On loneliness

While I was growing up, I was obsessed with having a boyfriend. The whole notion of having someone actually feel attracted to me was so alien, so unconceivable that it drove me into being a very sad, troubled person.
The thing is, I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even so much as had a fling. I've lived all my life having to get used to the idea that men couldn't like me, that it was impossible for a man to feel attracted to me. While every other 14/15 year old I knew was out kissing guys and hopping from one boy to the next, I was being insulted by those same boys for being fat/ugly/etc.

Eventually I became a chronic daydreamer. Someone who is constantly sad and hopeless about life and can only find a sliver of hope and a smile whenever she closes her eyes and dreams that she is loved by someone who, in reality, doesn't even know she exists - can be a musician, an actor, even a fictional character. I have always, since I can remember, been that person. I don't mean normal daydreaming, wishing you could be with someone impossible; I mean the bad, sick kind of daydreaming, when you simply can't be happy unless you're imagining some sort of ideal romance.
Because I was that desperate; I was that lonely. And my self-esteem never helped - in fact, it's kind of like a vicious cycle. I felt ugly and fat, so that made me feel lonely, so I daydreamed, but then every five minutes I realized it could never happen, so I felt lonely and ugly again. It never ends.

These last few months though I did a lot of growing up. I finally realized the idiocy in believing that your happiness depends on having a boyfriend. That kind of thinking completely destroys your individuality. Sure, it's probably nice to have someone say they love you every now and then, to have someone that thinks you're attractive. But is it really the only thing that can make you happy?
I realized I don't need a boyfriend, I don't need a relationship - deep down, however, I still felt lonely. Unwanted. Needy would be the best word. And even though I acknowledged I didn't need one, I craved for a boy to like me.

Then, in these last few weeks, one day I woke up from it all. I just woke up one day and decided.

"I don't care about having a boyfriend."

For the first time in my life I seriously don't give a damn. I don't need a guy, I don't crave for a guy, I'm not even sure I like the idea of having a boyfriend right now. If I liked someone, if I had feelings for that person of course the matter would be different, I would obviously want to be with that person.
But come on, let's face it - I'm 19 years old, going on 20. I've only ever liked two guys in my life and both were unrequited loves. It's very hard for me to feel attracted to someone, to have that sort of romantic interest in someone. Maybe I'm picky, I swear I don't do it on purpose! Or maybe I'm just not in the right environment, with people that 'click' with me.
Nonetheless, having any kind of relationship right now besides friendship would be a total hindrance.

I'm moving to Rome in September. For the first time in my life I have the opportunity to follow my dreams, to be the person I've always wanted to be, to fight for the life that I want to live.
I want to be the best, I want to be myself, I want to have fun in my own nerdy, non-partying kind of way. I want to be creative, to work hard, to study hard, to take pictures, to travel, to hug people, to make friends.

I want to be happy on my own.

I don't want a guy on me, I don't want anyone pulling me down. It's already hard having time for myself because I'm always going out with different groups of friends.
I'm going to start over in a new place, I'm getting a new life in a new city all for myself. Maybe then, maybe there, yes I will find someone.


But I can't help to wonder...

Maybe that big, gaping hole in my soul that kept growing deeper every day while I was growing up, that big empty space that screamed for attention and love and a boy that would come and say 'You're beautiful, I like you'...

Maybe that empty space was filled. Maybe that's why for the first time I find myself not even caring about relationships or boys or whatever.
Because that void was filled with me and that one letter saying 'Congratulations, you were accepted'.


Deep down, that was all I ever needed.
Not a boyfriend.


Myself and my own happiness.

Some film

Try to spot me!

Chapter 3 is up

So I've been writing a story recently and I'm trying to... well, not stop.

Chapters 1, 2 and 3 are already up!

Please read and let me know what you think :)

Wishlist 2011

Hello! Well, I thought I'd post current wishlist for 2011. Basics like white shirts and military jackets not included...

Mulberry Mila Hobo

I've been lusting after this bag since... well, forever. It's unfair because I already have an Alexa bag which is my pride, joy and best friend, but this bag is special. It has a special flair and that electric blue just kills me! I adore the handle and it looks 500% better live. It's very practical too - big, roomy and soft, just like I need my bags to be (clutter whore, anyone?). The handle is very comfortable, too, which is nice  for the amount of stuff I'd put in the bag.

Prada Espadrille Oxfords

Do I have to start? Seriously? Because I don't even know what to say. I loved them on pictures and the minute I put them on at the store I felt like they were made for me. I can't explain it. It's that kind of feeling you get when you eat your favourite cake that's particular to a really hard-to-reach bakery. They didn't have my size though - tough luck - and now I have to wait until they're available online.

Proenza Schouler satchel

This one. Or the mustard yellow one. I'm not picky at all, really! If you can afford one and would like to, out of your generous heart, make me a happy woman and give me one of these, I'm all yours.

Seriously.

I would lick your shoes clean.

ASH studded boots

So you've probably all noticed I kind of have a penchant for the 'rocker-chic' style. Well, these boots are highly appropriate (just damn expensive). These aren't really the ones I wanted to show you - the ones I really want have a cross-shaped stud pattern so if you have a picture of those please let me know.

I'm coming for you, boots.

 

Okay I'm being rather unrealistic with these two but the Chanel 2.55 purse is definitely my request for my 21st birthday. It's more of a status symbol and a rite of passage than a bag. In fact, it's so much more than a bag I won't even try to tell you. Getting a Chanel 2.55 would mean that I am finally a woman and I'm coming into my own, that I'm grown up now and it would probably be my parents' last act of financial kindness.

These amazing spiked Louboutins though have been on my mind since ages but are way out of my reach. Still, this is a wishlist, not a buylist, so a girl can dream! Especially on her own blog, no?

x

I know places

It just dawned on me that I am going to move out of my house in 3 months. For the first time I will be living on my own. I am not afraid of the responsibility but I will be so far away from home, it's not like I'll just be moving across town. I'm moving from Portugal to Italy. It's close in international terms, but so far... It's what I've always wanted, to leave my country, but there are several things that I will miss. Not people - family or friends... But mostly my dogs and my garden.

I won't even get started on my dogs because I'll just cry like a fucking idiot but I'd never realized how much my garden means to me.
I've lived in this house since I was 10 - I lived in an apartment before. It's an old, early 18th century house with three storeys and a big garden. We have vines and a small fountain and a big area of grass that I have to water on weekends. We have a pine tree and a peach tree, a tangerine tree, a pot with a strawberry plant. Camellias,  dozens and dozens of all kinds of roses my mom imported from England to plant here, bougainvillaea, there's an old stone structure where I planted my cactus the day I moved here - it used to be pot-sized, now it's gigantic and full of flowers.
We have a heated outdoors pool right next to the grass. We have a pool house with a bathroom and a small charcoal deposit for a grill, that were built along with the house so they're 18th century as well. There's sunlight outside, everywhere, all day, since we tend to the trees to keep shade from inhibiting the grass from growing.

We have an enormous lemon tree that has lemons all year round. Really big, juicy lemons that are - somehow - very sweet. I got used to making lemonade without sugar. We have parsley that we pick whenever we want to use it for cooking, same thing with coriander and chives.

While I'm sitting here at the computer, there's a window at my side. I'm looking at a small courtyard with a single tree and an old marble vase on a pedestal and an archway that leads to the kitchen door further ahead. Rustic stone steps that go up to the garden itself.
Sun, so much sun.

I will miss my garden.

Oh my god.

Summer Style

Hello everyone! After a hectic week in the UK, a hectic week back in Lisbon and three amazingly fast-paced days in Rome for my interview at IED, I am back to appreciate some Portuguese summer.
While flying back I took the time to read the new Harper's Bazaar and Vogue UK and found a few things that I really want, so, what the heck, I decided to scan them and show you.

French Connection dress

Paul & Joe Sister two-piece

Lovely dress from Benetton.

Now I guess I need the money to get these things... I'll have to wait until July! I've also fallen deeply in love with these: 

Prada espadrille brogues

I tried them on while in Rome but my usual size was too big on me and they didn't have a smaller one. 

So in order to drown my sorrows, I bought the following things while on my trip:

• Chanel black and white converse-style trainers
• Two Missoni headbands & a belt
• ASH heeled trainers & heeled sandals
• Hogan coral ballerinas
• Chanel rouge coco shine lipstick in Cavalière and Boy

I still plan on getting all the things on my list above and the damned elusive brogues. As soon as they're available online... mark my words!