terça-feira, 12 de julho de 2011

Attempts at... stuff - a summary

Okay so I'm trying to post a little more regularly, therefore I thought I'd give you some insight as to what I've been up to the last couple of days.

A week ago I visited Barcelona for the weekend, and found it to be rather beautiful and extraordinarily easy to walk around and remember the ways to places. Gaudi's work is truly amazing and I was lucky enough to stay in a hotel between La Pedrera and Casa Batllo, both wonderful buildings. I took some film photos there.
( click the photo for the rest of the film )

This past weekend I finally learned how to ride a bicycle. I still can't do it properly but I was able to actually do some circles and ride it on my own without anyone holding me for a few minutes. I'd never done it before so I'm rather proud of myself. It's been a major setback in my life because I've always wanted to know how to do it and now, with my impending move to Rome where I really wanted to have a bicycle to move around, the necessity arose. I wonder why it took me so long or why I was so chicken about it. I need to practice a LOT before I can actually say 'I can ride a bicycle' because right now I just look like a squealing retard on a wobbly metal frame. I have all summer!

Also I made this:

A little bit of an inspirational motto of mine using a film photo from a few months back.

Also in a bit of news! It turns out I might not be renting a room in Rome and will actually move into an apartment on my own. This doesn't really scare me even though I am aware I could use some help in the first few weeks. The problem is the company I contacted hasn't said anything yet so I'll assume they won't since it's been a month now... And I don't know anyone in the city looking to share an apartment so the gameplan is rent out an apartment and pay full rent until I get to talk with everyone and see who wants to share a flat.

More news - my driving exam is scheduled for the 28th. I was supposed to have a two-hour lesson today but I'm home sick with a fever, nausea, runny nose, cough etc etc (an actual proper flu) so I had to go there and tell my instructor I couldn't do it. I must have looked like hell because he actually asked if I wanted him to drive me to the taxi area. I told him I could walk but he was seriously doubting me! 
I also bought a new moleskine since mine is almost full, which is a shame. All my HURTS autographs and doodles are in that sketchbook! A year full of memories just archived away in a shelf. I can't carry it with me if it's full though and I might wait until I move to Rome to start my new one. I'm really happy because it's red. I used to have a red one, sketchbook paper, but it was stolen along with all my possessions in London last December. Since then red sketchbook Moleskines have been nowhere to be found and someone told me they'd been discontinued. Today I found one and I bought it immediately.

I suppose that's all. If I have any more news I'll post here, but this is just a little summary of the last two weeks :)


terça-feira, 5 de julho de 2011

On loneliness

While I was growing up, I was obsessed with having a boyfriend. The whole notion of having someone actually feel attracted to me was so alien, so unconceivable that it drove me into being a very sad, troubled person.
The thing is, I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even so much as had a fling. I've lived all my life having to get used to the idea that men couldn't like me, that it was impossible for a man to feel attracted to me. While every other 14/15 year old I knew was out kissing guys and hopping from one boy to the next, I was being insulted by those same boys for being fat/ugly/etc.

Eventually I became a chronic daydreamer. Someone who is constantly sad and hopeless about life and can only find a sliver of hope and a smile whenever she closes her eyes and dreams that she is loved by someone who, in reality, doesn't even know she exists - can be a musician, an actor, even a fictional character. I have always, since I can remember, been that person. I don't mean normal daydreaming, wishing you could be with someone impossible; I mean the bad, sick kind of daydreaming, when you simply can't be happy unless you're imagining some sort of ideal romance.
Because I was that desperate; I was that lonely. And my self-esteem never helped - in fact, it's kind of like a vicious cycle. I felt ugly and fat, so that made me feel lonely, so I daydreamed, but then every five minutes I realized it could never happen, so I felt lonely and ugly again. It never ends.

These last few months though I did a lot of growing up. I finally realized the idiocy in believing that your happiness depends on having a boyfriend. That kind of thinking completely destroys your individuality. Sure, it's probably nice to have someone say they love you every now and then, to have someone that thinks you're attractive. But is it really the only thing that can make you happy?
I realized I don't need a boyfriend, I don't need a relationship - deep down, however, I still felt lonely. Unwanted. Needy would be the best word. And even though I acknowledged I didn't need one, I craved for a boy to like me.

Then, in these last few weeks, one day I woke up from it all. I just woke up one day and decided.

"I don't care about having a boyfriend."

For the first time in my life I seriously don't give a damn. I don't need a guy, I don't crave for a guy, I'm not even sure I like the idea of having a boyfriend right now. If I liked someone, if I had feelings for that person of course the matter would be different, I would obviously want to be with that person.
But come on, let's face it - I'm 19 years old, going on 20. I've only ever liked two guys in my life and both were unrequited loves. It's very hard for me to feel attracted to someone, to have that sort of romantic interest in someone. Maybe I'm picky, I swear I don't do it on purpose! Or maybe I'm just not in the right environment, with people that 'click' with me.
Nonetheless, having any kind of relationship right now besides friendship would be a total hindrance.

I'm moving to Rome in September. For the first time in my life I have the opportunity to follow my dreams, to be the person I've always wanted to be, to fight for the life that I want to live.
I want to be the best, I want to be myself, I want to have fun in my own nerdy, non-partying kind of way. I want to be creative, to work hard, to study hard, to take pictures, to travel, to hug people, to make friends.

I want to be happy on my own.

I don't want a guy on me, I don't want anyone pulling me down. It's already hard having time for myself because I'm always going out with different groups of friends.
I'm going to start over in a new place, I'm getting a new life in a new city all for myself. Maybe then, maybe there, yes I will find someone.

But I can't help to wonder...

Maybe that big, gaping hole in my soul that kept growing deeper every day while I was growing up, that big empty space that screamed for attention and love and a boy that would come and say 'You're beautiful, I like you'...

Maybe that empty space was filled. Maybe that's why for the first time I find myself not even caring about relationships or boys or whatever.
Because that void was filled with me and that one letter saying 'Congratulations, you were accepted'.

Deep down, that was all I ever needed.
Not a boyfriend.

Myself and my own happiness.