terça-feira, 5 de julho de 2011

On loneliness

While I was growing up, I was obsessed with having a boyfriend. The whole notion of having someone actually feel attracted to me was so alien, so unconceivable that it drove me into being a very sad, troubled person.
The thing is, I've never had a boyfriend. I've never even so much as had a fling. I've lived all my life having to get used to the idea that men couldn't like me, that it was impossible for a man to feel attracted to me. While every other 14/15 year old I knew was out kissing guys and hopping from one boy to the next, I was being insulted by those same boys for being fat/ugly/etc.

Eventually I became a chronic daydreamer. Someone who is constantly sad and hopeless about life and can only find a sliver of hope and a smile whenever she closes her eyes and dreams that she is loved by someone who, in reality, doesn't even know she exists - can be a musician, an actor, even a fictional character. I have always, since I can remember, been that person. I don't mean normal daydreaming, wishing you could be with someone impossible; I mean the bad, sick kind of daydreaming, when you simply can't be happy unless you're imagining some sort of ideal romance.
Because I was that desperate; I was that lonely. And my self-esteem never helped - in fact, it's kind of like a vicious cycle. I felt ugly and fat, so that made me feel lonely, so I daydreamed, but then every five minutes I realized it could never happen, so I felt lonely and ugly again. It never ends.

These last few months though I did a lot of growing up. I finally realized the idiocy in believing that your happiness depends on having a boyfriend. That kind of thinking completely destroys your individuality. Sure, it's probably nice to have someone say they love you every now and then, to have someone that thinks you're attractive. But is it really the only thing that can make you happy?
I realized I don't need a boyfriend, I don't need a relationship - deep down, however, I still felt lonely. Unwanted. Needy would be the best word. And even though I acknowledged I didn't need one, I craved for a boy to like me.

Then, in these last few weeks, one day I woke up from it all. I just woke up one day and decided.

"I don't care about having a boyfriend."

For the first time in my life I seriously don't give a damn. I don't need a guy, I don't crave for a guy, I'm not even sure I like the idea of having a boyfriend right now. If I liked someone, if I had feelings for that person of course the matter would be different, I would obviously want to be with that person.
But come on, let's face it - I'm 19 years old, going on 20. I've only ever liked two guys in my life and both were unrequited loves. It's very hard for me to feel attracted to someone, to have that sort of romantic interest in someone. Maybe I'm picky, I swear I don't do it on purpose! Or maybe I'm just not in the right environment, with people that 'click' with me.
Nonetheless, having any kind of relationship right now besides friendship would be a total hindrance.

I'm moving to Rome in September. For the first time in my life I have the opportunity to follow my dreams, to be the person I've always wanted to be, to fight for the life that I want to live.
I want to be the best, I want to be myself, I want to have fun in my own nerdy, non-partying kind of way. I want to be creative, to work hard, to study hard, to take pictures, to travel, to hug people, to make friends.

I want to be happy on my own.

I don't want a guy on me, I don't want anyone pulling me down. It's already hard having time for myself because I'm always going out with different groups of friends.
I'm going to start over in a new place, I'm getting a new life in a new city all for myself. Maybe then, maybe there, yes I will find someone.

But I can't help to wonder...

Maybe that big, gaping hole in my soul that kept growing deeper every day while I was growing up, that big empty space that screamed for attention and love and a boy that would come and say 'You're beautiful, I like you'...

Maybe that empty space was filled. Maybe that's why for the first time I find myself not even caring about relationships or boys or whatever.
Because that void was filled with me and that one letter saying 'Congratulations, you were accepted'.

Deep down, that was all I ever needed.
Not a boyfriend.

Myself and my own happiness.

1 comentário:

  1. http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-gyKzK3wob_8/TihD12DLCLI/AAAAAAAAABM/aw3FdDgzneQ/s1600/meh.ro7331.jpg