Personal posts

I've decided I'm going to start posting on this blog as well as tumblr, it was supposed to be more of a "professional" thing but I guess I need to talk about things somewhere, so why not on a blog? I can always make an online portfolio when I need one.

So I guess a personal post, since I rarely talk about my private life to people. The thing is I don't talk about it because it's not interesting. The depressive stuff... well, even that isn't remotely interesting. There's nothing really bad in my life but everything is always wrong on the inside.

I would go on about it but I just noticed I can't. I feel uncomfortable and it's weird and I know I shouldn't because it's my own blog but come on! What am I supposed to say? It's just strange talking about myself without being asked about it. I can't just start explaining why I'm so fucked up and can't be happy despite my circumstances. I really don't want to, either, because I automatically feel embarassed, like I shouldn't be bringing it up in the first place, like those words don't belong outside my head.

So this is basically it, the way I think, the way my brain functions. Fun, isn't it?
Very.

Okay so let me try this personal post thing and see how it goes.

I hate my University.
I love the people I met there, I love one or two teachers and the student council. The building is amazing.
But I fucking hate everything else.
My classes, my course, some teachers, everything. And I don't mean it in a "I hate it but I deal with it" kind of way, I mean it in a "I will fucking kill myself if I have to stand this for another year" and crying myself to sleep every night because I have to go to class kind of way. This isn't whining, by the way, it's ranting. I just want to get out of there ASAP and study what I'm really passionate about because this is just killing me inside.

I feel so lonely all the time even though I have a lot of friends and people who truly care for me. I don't want a boyfriend right now because I have too much going on to even care about that kind of thing, and it would only hinder me. But I feel so lonely. It's ridiculous, doesn't make any sort of sense. I have wonderful friends, my parents care about me a lot, I don't want a boyfriend, I have undying love for my dogs (like my children)... I still don't understand why there's such a huge void in my life. Why I constantly feel like I'm completely and utterly alone. I don't understand and I hate it.

Despite not wanting a boyfriend right now, I worry over the fact I never had one; I honestly doubt a man can ever find me attractive and interesting enough to want a relationship with me and I think I'm unlovable - if the word exists.

I like animals more than people, way more.

I need to leave this country and live somewhere else; otherwise I will wither and die like a rejected plant.

People compliment me all the time on various things - singing, photography, writing, even advice - and it flatters me and makes me happy for a while but afterwards I just feel worthless all over again. I'm not good enough, I'm never good enough. I don't think I'll ever be.

So yeah, this was a personal post. I'll try to make more in the future because, as I've been told, it's supposed to help you. Getting things out of your system. I tell this to everyone else too, but for me, as I said above, it's just plain weird.
It's like.... I don't know. It's just not supposed to leave my head. As if posting it or talking about it makes it real, more real than it already is. That's scary.


Oh well.